I cancelled a dinner date with the man yesterday because I had a big fight with him. Eating at Osvaldo and smiling at him across the table were the last things I wanted to do. Till now, I haven't quite smiled at him kindly.
To be fair, he only gently questioned my decision on not attending the friends' wedding dinner. I definitely over-reacted, because when it comes to discussions about weddings, I'm completely illogical, insane, unreasonable and unforgiving.
I also didn't like it because the man questioned my editorial rights and integrity on this blog and twitter. WTF. As it is, when I blog or tweet, I indulge in heavy self-censorship. It has only gotten more stringent through the years. I don't tolerate his questioning of my ethics. It's my farking blog. Would he rather me remove posts and act like a hypocrite then, just to please our friends? I damn well won't. This is me, take it or leave it. The entire world reads it (for dunno what reasons)- my bosses, colleagues, my friends, acquaintances, friendlies, enemies, weirdos, and a mishmash of humans. I'm well aware of that. I can bloody track the IP addresses. (I paid for that function to provide a breakdown of details!) If I want privacy, I'd have turned this damn blog private and lock it all up till autoscripts can't crack the password.
I've got some hard decisions to make. I'm not afraid to make them. Since Somebody Important doesn't want me in Ho Chi Minh City, I'm resigned to being in Singapore. But that doesn't mean I'm going for the friends' wedding dinner-regrets have been sent for that and informed that I would attend their solemnization only. As much as I love my friends, everyone knows my aversion towards Chinese wedding dinners. There's a calculator in my head to decide which to attend.
What I have chosen to do, is to attend another Chinese wedding dinner that same evening and give a bigger angpow for that bridal couple. I've told the man that if he faults me for making this decision, he should bloody examine his conscience. And no friends of mine/ours, if they have a strong moral compass, would take this as a snub. To this accusation, he objected. Loudly so. He said he understood. Well, he'd better.
I don't make decisions in my personal or work life because of friendship or guanxi. (See why I will die if I work in China or any other ASEAN country?) I make decisions based on necessity, integrity and the greater good. I especially make sure that I adhere to this principle in my personal life. I do not make concessions just because you are my friend, not for anything. All the more, I expect you to understand what it means to be my friend. I will miss my friends', the man's and whoever's birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations, whatever, if my roster needs me. Now, because I love my job, there are certain things I will give up for certain work commitments too. The man and my friends must understand that. This explains why my inner circle is so narrow.
Aunty MK's only child is getting married on the same date. Aunty MK is a single mom who braved tremendous difficulties and overcame them to bring up her low-IQ son. Yet, for the past decade, she found time to volunteer with us. She unerringly cooks and packs the food for our twice-a-week lunch deliveries. If she can't make a date, she takes it upon herself to secure a replacement so that our lunch deliveries are uninterrupted. More than that, she has been a mother figure to us when we fought with our parents during those rebellious years.
Her son CH has grown up with us. CH doesn't have the healthiest constitution. But he's got the most cheerful outlook in his life. We remember the nights/days when CH was in hospital and Aunty MK still cooked for us or pretended to be our guardian to get us from school or out of detention when we were naughty.
CH is getting married. I'm sure you know how significant that is to Aunty MK. This milestone is Aunty MK's best gift in her life. Like all mothers whose son finally marries, Aunty MK is a proud and happy woman. She doesn't have much family left. She has personally asked if we (the volunteer group) would go, if I could go, because it would mean the world to her if we are there. This morning, I called to accept her invitation.
This Chinese wedding dinner will be a modest affair to be held in the function hall of a community club/centre. There will be no sharks' fin, no fancy table decor or lighting. But there will be good, homemade food. I look forward to the promised handmade fishcakes and sambal. There will be tears, and there will be faith within our close-knit group to affirm that something beautiful does happen to good people.
This is one wedding I must attend because I feel very strongly that it is the right thing to do.