Nursing Choya Back to a Balanced Gut Microbiome

I have changed my sleep patterns and timings since April 1st, when 'Choya's Great Laosai' began. They are changed out of necessity. Her explosive diarrhea usually arrives at 5.30am thereabouts. It's logical because she would have supper, and food ferments the longest overnight, and her stomach can't take that. She can't not have a small supper because if her stomach is empty, she would puke bile in the mornings.  

I sleep by 11.45pm or so, before midnight. I stop doom-scrolling and doing work in the nights. I swopped to clearing work when I wake at 5am or so. I re-adjusted all social calendars that could accommodate my new preferences. I eat earlier so that I don't get indigestion; I drink a lot less because I need to be sober in the night to sleep through, and wake up feeling human. I'm not a morning person at all. But getting enough sleep helps.

Once I learnt what the diarrhea is about, I know how to manage it. I don't have to stress about the unknown anymore. I can get on with the logistics of solving a problem, weighing theories with practical applications versus desired outcomes. The medication caused Choya to pee a lot more, and I don't want her to hold it or stress the bladder. I take her out for extra pee-walks. This means more work on my part since my schedule is a lot more flexible than the husband's. 

Choya has stabilized. It has been 6 weeks since. Anecdotally, when she has excessive B12 in her system, she tends to pee a lot because she would be too thirsty. Even in this heat, and the bone broth drunk, the volume of urine has increased. I noticed her dribbling pee a little (not incontinent, but she does have this quirk) near the 6-hour mark. So I gave her extra pee-walks, which worked. That meant that she doesn't need the supplements now; whatever she takes via her food is sufficient. I stopped her B12 supplements.  

From twice a day, she has tapered down to a super-low-dosage of metronidazole just once in the mornings. She seems to be doing fine. I'll take her off of metronidazole in the next two weeks. Tapering it off instead of a sudden stop. (And yes, I've spoken with her doctor about this.) Let's hope her stomach rebalances as it should, and her gut microbiome remains calm. This cycle will happen again since she has chronic IBD, and she meets clostridium all the time. May the next shitsplosion happens a lot later than sooner. 

Rebuilding Choya's Gut Flora

I had hoped against hope (based on patterns and scientific data) that when Choya completed her seven-day course of antibiotics, she would be well. She wasn't. Three days after completion, the diarrhea returned. I recognized the patterns. I knew it. We have clostridial diarrhea happening. Dammit. 

When her diarrhea stopped after the first tablet went in on 4 April, I knew it was a matter of time before the clostridium in her gut got controlled for a bit; exactly for how long, we wouldn't know. I didn't have high hopes. It was the week after the antibiotics that I was worried about. Acute colitis can be sorted in a week. However, SIBO/SID doesn't just go away magically overnight. She has chronic IBD and stress colitis, so the moment a flare happens in the form of SIBO/SID, it's bad. It goes on for a month. 

I had a bad feeling when her poop was less than ideal on Monday 13 April. Direa didn't even help. When Choya woke me up at 5.32am on Tuesday 14 April and did a shitsplosion, that was PTSD and total deja vu sial. Groundhog Day. We're back to 1 April. SAME PATTERNS. I don't even know what to write in my notes. 'Round 2, Repeat.' At least this Tuesday morning, her stomach hasn't made gurgling sounds yet and she isn't in pain or distress. I do not want it to deteriorate to that level. This means the clostridium is really flourishing and refuses to go away. The expensive tests I ordered to be done at the clinic during Round 1 cleared her of contagious or more serious things. 

We went back to the clinic to see a doctor we trust. It was a wonderful discussion. This is an experienced doctor with a good head on his shoulders. It confirmed my thoughts and the doctor's proposed plans aligned with mine, and we had an agreement. The math is sound. Here we go, Part 2. Her first poop two days after Part 2 super-low dose of metronidazole went in on 15 April, was exactly the color and mushy texture I expected. Much much better than what Part 1 produced.

I really dislike metronidazole, but it couldn't be helped. Most clinics only stock metronidazole. I very much prefer talking to my trusted vets. Tylosin is the better choice for colitis, EPI/SIBO and IBD. But Tylosin is OOS at this clinic. I have no choice but to administer this second course of antibiotics, but at a different dosage. This will be done at a super-low dosage over 14-15 days in order to eradicate the worst bits of clostridium, and hopefully the probiotics, B12 and food will sort out the rest and balance the gut after that. Food goes back to the basics. Fresh, whole and good. No unnecessary treats because I doubt I can negotiate with Choya about cheese. 

I'm literally unfazed by most things, but I'm battling anxiety at managing her stomach. I rarely cry, but if Choya is in pain, I feel it, and I cry. I'm reading, researching, and studying. Then I put it aside to take a breather and recalibrate. No, AI doesn't help beyond highlighting research topics and broadening the scope of reading. My moods are set daily according to the quality of Choya's poop. I can deal with mushy poop done during the usual walk timings. I cannot deal with shitsplosions. The main issue is control — I don't have control. I can only try, and pray. 

There might even be a Round 3. Damn clostridium dunno-which-strain. This Round 2 antibiotics will taper off in another week. It's meant to be given for 14-16 days. Choya's doctor and I agreed to do a super-low-dosage and tapering off instead of an abrupt end, giving her stomach time to reset and build its defences. It would be an uphill climb to get her gastrointestinal tract balanced — 16 to 20 weeks. We'll get there. 

年三十晚 :: 年夜飯

I was really pleased that I heated up my own dinner and stayed in with the floofs. That was my peace. The kiddos were even happier to chill out with me and eat noms. Sent the husband to rep us on his maternal side's reunion dinner. I straight-out declined since I wanted to stay at home with the floofs. Nowadays, I have no issues saying no. I make it very clear that my priority is with floofs, not humans. And the husband absolutely understands that. 

The evening rains are back, and while we've lucked out with no thunder so far, I wouldn't be able to predict when it would roll in. If it rained and thunder came, I would have be really upset that I went to this dinner that I didn't care for instead of being there for the floofs. 

I got the kiddos a small bowl of poon choi (盆菜) from MumMumGourmet. Cooked, not freeze-dried. I have nothing against freeze-dried, but if I have options for freshly cooked items, I'll take that. Fresh is always better, in a way. The bottle of pork broth would be put to good use too, and not be inhaled in one shot. I wasn't intending to heat up the poon choi in the traditional manner. 

This poon choi is the floofs’ little pot of toppers.

By now, I'm well aware of what food intolerances both Ryo and Choya have, and what might trigger a one-off diarrhea or mushy poop. The ingredients in the poon choi were fine, but I wasn't going to let them eat all of it. These were to be toppers to their raw base. The floofs were so pleased with their dinner and supper. Hahahah. 

I decided not to cook udon or noodles this year. I had gotten a takeout from Kizuna — an osechi box (おせち料理) and a miso-nabe (味噌鍋) with pork loin. Kizuna actually gave pork belly, but they thought that I would prefer the less fatty pork loin, so they gave me that instead. Ahhh, the pork loin was much appreciated. The miso paste was included as well. All I needed was to add some water to dilute it. #ImpieCooks2026

I also had plenty of XO sauce and chilli as dips to accompany the soup. I loved this light and clean meal. Absolutely satisfying. Yes, I'm aware of the irony of having Japanese food for a lunar new year reunion dinner, and considering 15 February was the fall of Singapore in 1942. BUT. Well...... culture versus heritage versus history. You pick one. 

I kept a small portion for the husband who didn't mind some soup when he came home. He had a nibble of the osechi box's prawns, tamago, abalone and clams, and garlic before going out. Dinner was at 8pm, and he needed some food before that. 

These are for humans.

Turned 48

I'm really pleased to be quietly marking another year of being alive, and being healthy. Well, the insurance premiums have gone up, and around this time of the year, they're all due to be renewed. LOL That's the annual reminder of our mortality, and level of preparedness for the later years when we're unable to be as productive. 

Choya woke me up first thing in the morning. She hasn't dropped the habit of waking me up about four times a week, or whenever she feels like it. She's older too, and while her temperament remains steady, her little quirks change over time. She drops old habits and somehow acquires new ones. 

I went to the gym first thing in the morning. A strength-training workout was scheduled and I wasn't about to skip it. I'm determined to keep the muscles and as much strength as I can. I'm two years closer to the milestone 50. I should be more than halfway through my lifespan. I'm proactively taking steps to age nimbly. 

I love all the texts and the thoughts that the dear friends have sent. Meals and meet-ups this month will be spread out. In between the Lunar New Year festivities, no one has that much sufficient space. I get indigestion if I over-eat. I'm thankful for all the love though. 

Going by the lunar zodiac calendar, I'm an Earth Horse in the Year of Fire Horse arriving next week. I'm also an Aquarius. I read all these 'predictions' and stuff, but I don't bother with fengshui and zodiac things. I don't even do essential oils or sage smoke since inhaling them send me straight to A&E. If soothsayers and tarot cards rule my life, then I'll never know peace.

I think my life has turned out fairly fine without wearing lucky charms or collars or placing auspicious ornaments in my home, or decorating my flat in a certain manner. Simple and uncluttered are my mantra for most things. Colors, florals and sparkles are a tad frazzling for me. I'll wear my monotones, especially black. I'm most comfortable and confident in them. Again, I note my privileges. 

Hey 48. 

To Another Year of Health

After a whole year of scheduled medicals and blood draws, bone density tests, the usual annual consults with my doctors, fitness check-ins, research and observation, and anecdotes and chats with similarly-aged girlfriends, I think, I'm not even in perimenopause yet. I don't know when I'll step into it. My estrogen levels have remained consistent and within range for the now. 

There's no definitive clinical test for perimenopause. Hormone tests are absolutely unhelpful at this point. I suppose I'll know when the hot flushes, night sweats, brain fog and odd aches begin. And perhaps insomnia. I love my sleep, and I still need to sleep at least 7 hours a night. I can live with 5 hours, but not for consecutive nights. 

Since I'm not in perimenopause yet, the threat of sarcopenia is low, although my metabolism has slowed. I always eat very well. So that's not an issue at all. I have already been watching my food intake even more conscientiously when Covid lockdowns happened. Luckily IBS helps me in filtering out the things I'm not supposed to be eating anyway. I'm not putting on weight randomly. Whewwww. To that, I have decreased alcohol intake by a truckload. Going light on alcohol is the fastest way to tone up and cut out the flab, bloat and shitty hangovers. 

I'm a lot fitter than the average women in my age group, in terms of strength, bone, heart and muscle health. My immune system is keeping up. I would like to keep it that way. At this point, I'll just continue the strength and resistance training. I need to build the muscles while I still can and keep them. I can't prevent accidents... or fate intervening. But I would do my part to stay strong for as long as I can. I want to be independent and mobile and nimble. As I age, this is what I want to hold on to. Health, is wealth.

A Lot Less Alcohol This Year

This year, I shall watch how much alcohol I drink. It's in relation to the muscles I wish to build, and how I feel while working out and such. I do have IBS and I have no wish for alcohol to induce flares. As we age, we lose muscle mass and water, so we feel the effects of alcohol a lot more. I'd rather build my muscles and not have that as a reason to continue drinking.

Anyway, I don't like drinking till I vomit. That's a horrible feeling. The headaches are really bad. I limit intake to a max of three glasses now, and not at dinner every night. I'm just glad I'm not actually a raving alcoholic. I don't feel uneasy or have physical symptoms of withdrawal from having less alcohol. It's A WHOLE LESS than what I'm used to having. No regrets at all. This is a form of addiction after all if I don't watch it.

I have nothing against alcohol and I like my favorite drinks. No cocktails, no odd mixes. I like my highballs and whisky. Of course I can do wine and champagne. I go a lot easier on beer and Guinness because they trigger my IBS quite badly. 

It's quite funny when many conversations among friends circle around after-alcohol pills and hydration jelly packs. We have all stocked up on it. It's to the point where many of our alcohol tolerance have decreased so much till we need these external aids to relieve hangover queasiness.  

I'm not going to say that I'm quitting alcohol. I won't be doing that, tbh. A glass or two is fine, as long as it's not a daily affair. I'm past that now. However, it's imperative that I down the volume of alcohol imbibed. This isn't a new year resolution. Nobody cares about that. I don't want my body and organs to be dehydrated either. 

Here We Are, 2026.

No thanks to a mad 35-minute New Year's Eve fireworks display at Marina Bay with extra loud booms and the floofs being sus, I couldn't sleep before midnight. I was awake at the stroke of midnight on the last day of 2025. So I swopped out the calendar to a new year.

Yes I still have a use for calendars. They're aesthetically pleasing. I generally have three at home. One from the animal shelters, one Shiba-ken cut-out thingy from Hands, and one main calendar at the counter next to the dining table. These calendars have been supplied by J for the longest time. I love how she generously does that for me! And this is the one Christmas present I cherish. 

I looked at this new calendar. It's another gorgeous one. Here we are, 2026. The Gregorian calendar indicates that it's a new year. But I've always felt that time moves linearly. It doesn't really matter, all the festive fuss. Social constructs imply that one must celebrate all the things new.

I'm not bothered to do a 'wrap-up' post. The years go on. Every year is different. What you make of it is what you will. If you want to make fundamental changes to how you live, then you must change the way you are and what you do. If you don't, it's just going to be the same shit in the new year while hoping for it to be different. 

Time and the fates have a funny way of toying with humans. Depending on what religious beliefs you hold, you might have faith that all will be well, regardless. But mostly, we don't know what the future holds and we can only control it as much as we possibly can. And it shall be so. We move with time, hopefully anchored in common sense and kindness.

That said, I ain't bending over backwards to accommodate anyone who trespasses on my well-being and attempts to push my boundaries. Saying no is an excellent trait of mine and I intend to hold on tight to it. This is a privileged corner of the world I live in. I have no illusions about that. May we hold on to peace. 

Rooted in Town

I never regret traveling so much when I was younger, and went all out in my twenties and thirties; rarely staying in Singapore for more than three weeks at a go. Every weekend was a long weekend hanging out in nearby cities less than a 5-hour flight out. Those memories made and experiences absorbed, truly last a lifetime. While I do get a touch wistful every now and then about not traveling, I'm not resentful or discontented. I made a conscious choice to stay in town for Choya. I don't want to miss out on her short years. Well, it's not as if I don't travel, I do pop out on short trips. Like really short. Well, the husband cannot manage Choya on his own for more than six days. 

'Bring Choya to travel', people say. I had a serious whirl about it. No. Weighing in at 7.5kg and totalling 10kg in an airline-approved carrier, Choya busts all weight limits aboard commercial airlines. I'm not checking her into animal cargo for no good reason; a vacation isn't sufficient. To each pet owner's choice. 

I could fly her in a private jet. I do not want to join those newly popped up pet travel agencies because I can do a better job at logistics and sorting out administrative details even for pets. You know. Ha! BUT. Excuse me, I don't print money, so no to flying in a private jet to a vacation unless we have the free schedule to close up the flat for six months, put aside work and head out of town. Of course we can. But neither the husband or I are inclined to.  

I love it when friends send me photos when they're on vacation. I could stalk their social media, but when they take an extra step to send it to me in our chat windows, I feel extra loved, like they brought me along for that hour to their location. When people ask me if I'd like anything from the city they're in, there's usually nothing I want. I appreciate these little texts and words and photos. These make the best souvenirs for me. 

When J sent me a photo of the last bits of autumn, and blue skies and all, I sighed. This particular photo of gingko leaves on a sunny day. It's a gorgeous shot. (Who isn't in Japan right now! Tsk!) Ahhhh the turn of the seasons. I kinda miss that crisp feel of the cold. I shall renew all these experiences and begin the traveling again in the next season of life. For this season, I am rooted here.  

イチョウ 葉っぱ.

Off To Lunch with the Floofs

I had a free day, and intentionally kept it empty. I didn't even have to vacuum or clean house. Gosh. I was tired. I didn't bother with nails, hair or anything like that. Didn't even want to go to the gym. I didn't want to meet anybody, and I didn't even have to talk to the husband who was in the office for the whole day too. He left at 7am for a super early start to his day. 

I was up by 7am anyway. After taking the floofs for a quick morning pee, I happily mooched around at home. Then I took the floofs out for a mid-day stroll. We would walk to an easy lunch. The route to The Standard was sheltered all the way; the mid-day sun wouldn't matter.

The floofs merrily sniffed everything and made a poop. Yayyy. It absolutely made the outing worth it. They were very pleased at being invited out for an extra walk. The only issue with the garden patio at The Standard — while we have a sheltered table, there are no overhead or portable fans. We could hope for a little breeze now and then. A hot day meant an easy lunch of Caesar's salad and a ton of iced sparkling water. 

I like my own company. Solitude. Although this pocket was accompanied by the floofs. They are always quiet and mostly on their best behavior, so taking them out and having them around isn't an issue at all. Today was similarly peaceful. Spending two hours by myself like this is pure luxury.

I Like This Chunk of Work

I didn't have to, but I found myself agreeing to cover a facilitator-associate's 'night shifts' at three focus group sessions over three nights. She fell sick, but she had done all the prep work. She just needed someone competent to deliver it. It's an easy three nights, and it pays nicely.

It isn't a particularly crazy week of deadlines in my bread and butter freelance projects, so I decided to do it. I need to keep the brains active, sharpen my edge and see if I can still match the market demands. I didn't agree to these 'night shifts' out of ego lah! But since the organizers/clients welcomed me to join in the group facilitation for these sessions, I really didn't mind. After all, nobody ever minded more (legitimate) income. This decision might also have been pushed by the fact that my annual medical insurance coverage increased (age bracket lah), and last week, I literally just paid a bomb in premiums.

As it is, my hours are pretty flexible, and since I'm willing to put in these hours at work, then I might as well do it if I have a window. How much I earn is directly proportionate to how hard I work. I earn enough to pay all my bills, spend on whatever I want to, and on Choya. Yes, I have to pay taxes. I'm comfortable. I'm thankful for that.

With this freelance gig that has sort of organically developed and trundled along for the past decade without me having to schmooze much, I'm very pleased. This means that the classic concept of retirement from a job doesn't apply to me. I probably can do this for another 6-8 years. It could be more, but we'll have to see what the market says.

As I near 50 years old, of course I wonder what this freelance gig would become, and how the projects might dry up. That's not my worry. One must diversify income streams. When I have no children's trust funds and medical insurance to consider; if I haven't done my Math and financial planning by this age, I'm not much of a competent human living in an urban city, am I? 

The worry is — I need to have a think if my sense of self is also shaped by my work identity. That is the thing. I'm not obligated to offices and the social circles of colleagues and the peripheral matters like that. Well, I've never really bothered about 'belonging' to any office. While I like the administrative and tech support that an office provides, I don't like anything else about it. Synergy, dynamism, buzz and all that, sure. But I do not like the politicking. However, I'm not immune to the saying 'work keeps one relevant to society'. 

One day, the projects will dry up. When that day comes, I don't know if I could swallow that realization graciously. I'd need to find something else (on top of my charity projects) to do on a regular basis to maintain the mental sharpness. Intellectual skills need to be constantly honed. 

Singapore General Elections 2025

For the past few weeks since mid-March, I resolutely refused to read too much Singapore political news. Everywhere and everything is touting the Singapore elections, the candidates and their words. Everyone and their grandmothers' opinions are coming out of the woodwork. There's so much inherent racism, so much prejudices. It's absolutely dismal. 

Our last General Election was held on 10 July 2020. Workers' Party (WP) made a huge win with Sengkang GRC. This is 2025. WP kept Sengkang GRC, and Aljunied GRC. I hope the electorate has done a better job of educating ourselves, especially with the ease of internet access and right to knowledge in this city. 

I refused to read the 'he said, she said, they said' thingies. I'm keeping all my opinions to myself. I don't wish to discuss them, and I don't wish to discuss people I know, or how they would be in future. I'm more interested in watching the horror that's unfolding in Trump's 'America First' policies and how the Supreme Court is finally taking him on. 

How I vote, is my business. Am I voting for the candidates in my GRC? Or am I voting for the incumbent and majority party? All I know is, I don't want to vote for clowns. Clowns may come from all parties. I'm in Tanjong Pagar GRC. I look at the contesting parties and I'm like, I don't have much of a choice, do I?

The country went to the polls on May 3, 2025. The sample count was fairly accurate. The actual results were posted shortly, and to a large extent, the overseas voters' choices, while important, didn't make any dent in the percentages, even for those in a close fight at maybe two GRCs and two SMCs. (Alamak, Jalan Kayu SMC, why like this.) 

PAP got a total mandate of 65.57% of a supermajority. As expected. The opposition party, namely Workers' Party (WP) put up a good fight, and secured their spots too. They retained their GRCs, but didn't manage to sway hearts and minds in the other two they were fighting for. An aye-aye to all the women standing as candidates in the elections. As for those really weird-ass candidates from the other parties, I really don't know what those morons in the smaller opposition parties are doing. 

What's scary, are the people/citizens who are completely politically apathetic. They live in the country, but refuse to vote or get themselves re-registered onto the electoral rolls. Their reason — 'I can't be bothered.' That is terrifying to me. I suppose if we're younger, we might just get away with it. But as we get older and more invested in making this country home, and wanting it to be better for future generations of Singaporeans, wouldn't it be worth our time to vote? When people say 'I'm not bothered', it opens my eyes to what these people care about exactly — not politics and not how the government works, and imho, are certainly a tad shortsighted. These people figured that they get all the benefits and none of the cons anyway. Riiiiight.  

If these politically apathetic people live in a GRC that's being 'fought over', then their votes would have counted for something. It would have at least spoken their wish for PAP to stay stronger, or a desire to have a counterbalance. Many of us don't wish for chaos. The PAP ought to stop their 'know it all' attitude. Stop talking to us and make us feel like we're being scolded. WTF. We're not dumb. Stop trying to say you'll 'fix the opposition'. What on earth is there to fix. Work with alternative voices, engage civil society. A paternalistic and dictatorial government isn't what we want. Haven't our leaders learnt that by now?

I'm not disappointed with the results of this General Election. I didn't have any expectations. I had hoped a little, but it didn't feel too crushing when dreams didn't come true. The statistics told me that it's a tough dream. But looking at the numbers of how WP performed in Tampines and Punggol GRCs, it tells me that people are thinking, and thinking hard. The PAP shouldn't take it for granted that the electorate will allow gerrymandering if there's a worthy and measured opposition to the incumbent. 

Turning 47

My heart has beaten for 47 years. How long more, I wonder. An adult female's heart weighs between 230-300g. That doesn't seem like much huh, but it is the one powerhouse keeping everything running. I'm not sure what more I can do to improve heart health. I just keep everything I eat and drink in check, and in moderation. 

47. 

What weighs heavy on the heart? 

What have I achieved at 47?

Life and living to me is not about achieving social or family milestones. It's not about gaining medals or accolades or societal recognition. When getting excellent academic grades came easy to me, I started wondering what else is beyond academic achievements. I didn't walk the path the parents set for me. I didn't want to be the CEO of anything, and I knew for sure I never want to be the CEO of any business either. I don't have the smarts to be a CFO of any sort either. I like assisting. I like being an assistant. I like being No.3 or No.5 in a hierarchical structure of either a corporation or a charity. I like fading into the background. Let me do my job quietly.

The country of birth and the family born into create privileges that allow for more privileges. What I choose to do with these given privileges is how I decide what to do with my adult life. I've never had an identity crisis. I'm not given to feeling imposter syndrome or anything inadequate. Since I was a kid, I've been told that I'm an overachiever. I've always been comfortable in my own skin doing what I want to do even as 'elders' question me. This confidence that I've had since I was a kid, never diminished. I've not lost it. I do things as I deem fit, not as what society sees as appropriate. 

Yet I have zero heroic aspirations. I do not want my name in any society magazines, entrepreneurship journals, environmental activists kind of thing. I just do me. I do what I can for my community and my sphere of influence. Put me in a war zone, and my conscience and learnt behavior will be very much different. 

Who I am married to doesn't define me, but how this marriage navigates life, will affect my confidence since this is supposed to be a loved one, a confidant. I didn't know what to make of marriage. But I know what it takes to carry on with a long-term relationship. That said, I wasn't prepared to let it dictate my life. I am still cognizant that I need to be seriously independent to move on with life if separation, divorce or death happens in this relationship. 

I'm fairly pleased at how life has panned out. I am contented. I am thankful. I am still Catholic, but I am not religious. I have allowed my conscience and instincts to guide my choices and attitude towards people, situations and circumstances. I am glad that my education and beliefs allow for a morally strong conscience in this particular set of social norms. 

I love my friends for thinking of me this month. I don't need presents. Their friendships are my best gifts. An easy meal is always welcome. I don't need fancy; I love comfort food. A coffee too, works beautifully, if that means I get a precious hour with a loved one. 

I'm spacing out meals because I definitely can't do heavy foods daily, and I need to go easy on the alcohol too. Not everyone's schedule can squeeze me into this week. Hence, I decided it's prudent (for my stomach and people's calendars) to space out birthday meals to span the whole month.  

47. Hello.

正月初一 :: 歲去年來新換舊，龍潛蛇舞景成春

Today is first day of the Lunar New Year of the Wood Snake. I started the day early with a long walk along East Coast Park. The floofs needed their walk. The weather was fantastic! It was cool and breezy. What a nice change from the usual heat and humidity during this period. It has been lovely, honestly. That's because I make an effort to draw strict boundaries and protect my mind space. My heart feels lighter, and there's nothing for me to be angsty over after 'obligatory' events since I didn't attend. Ha!

I have some duties to fulfil for the old folks on my roster. Those are fine. I'm happy doing them. I don't have a habit of receiving visitors at home for any reason, so it's certainly not a thing during this period either. I don't cook either, and have no interest in cooking, so it's not a thing to invite people to come taste my food. That tickles me so much. 

I'm not interested in dispensing angpows to 'relatives' and 'extended relatives' just because it's customary. I eschew certain traditions because it's discriminatory and levies social pressure and forces adherence to norms that I don't agree with. If I don't bother visiting, then I'm not going to allocate or prepare angpows for your numerous children since I've either never seen them, don't remember them and definitely don't know them. 

I'm not completely cantankerous. I do have little gifts of food and mandarin oranges prepped for friends that I do see regularly, and angpows prepped for the floofs and little tots that I know I would see over the two festive weekends. 

除夕 :: 龍來蛇去迎古韻，鶯歌燕語譜新章

My most hated 'festive week' of the year is here. This is when I go completely silent, and simply ignore the whole world. It's pretty much me vibing 'JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.' 

I got the quiet I desire. 

Nobody who would be bothering me, bothered me. I'm extremely feared in these certain circles, especially in the recent years. My newest area of volunteer work (domestic migrant workers), isn't going down well with them. I make them extremely uncomfortable. LOLOLOLOL 

I choose not to engage with people who have vastly different political opinions from me. In this sort of lunar new year situations, I prefer not to be a hypocrite and I do not want to be embroiled in any political discussions. My friends, they know. And those, will never be bothering me. Friends are our chosen family, and I happen to have rather wonderful and sane friends, so their texts are always welcome.

The husband gritted his teeth and turned up at his extended family's reunion dinner. (Of course I declined outright. The message came in and I said no in two seconds.) He brought a bottle of whisky along so that he would have some decent alcohol. That restaurant's list of whisky and wine is super crap and way over-priced. The husband also cleverly ate a full dinner of biryani and dal at home before going there because he knew the food would suck. (It did.) 

I hit the gym for a crazy calorie burn with a bit of weights in a LesMills BodyPump class today. That was much much needed; it felt great. Then I binged all eight episodes of 'Trauma Code' (2025) on Netflix, the only types of K-drama I would watch. I had a very enjoyable meal of pork shogayaki and soba. Cooked it for myself. And prepped a tasty dinner bowl for the floofs' too. Heh. 

Hello 2025.

I didn't do any wild parties last night. We made sure to come home to the floofs by 10.45pm in case the fireworks booms are crazy. (We live in the middle of two venues that held mega fireworks. The booms were surprisingly low and limited.) They also needed their bedtime pee and supper. Everyone ate well. Nobody was drunk. Everyone had a good night's sleep.

It's a brand new year. Dunno if it's the same shit, different situation(s). But we certainly keep moving on because that's the only way to go. Time will move along at its stately pace, and the days will churn along. There is only this life, and there is how we choose to live it. 

At 10am, an invitation to a dinner (via a text) upset me first thing on New Year's Day. I was highly irritated by the phrasing and high-handedness of it. And honestly, sending an invite on this day at this timing seemed precisely engineered to piss me off. I took a deep breath and decided that while I could easily control my reply to this invite (it's a 'NO'), I need to better control my emotional responses in its wake.

If I could completely justify declining the invite, as well as not feeling any guilt about it or not being emotionally blackmailed, then I need to adjust my own responses of anger and retaliation about my own decision. After all, why should I let stupidity spoil my day and my mood. I am in control of this response. I need to learn to be adept at training this response. Then I wouldn't be angsty about it. Gotta learn to let it go. It's easier said than done, but I have to do it.

If I'm pissed, I'd just allow myself a short window. Stop stewing. You know what, I can always take it out on the laundry, vacuuming the flat and mopping the floors. These chores never end. They'll always be waiting for me. LOL

I inhaled the coffee, took a deep breath, and let it go. 

Happy New Year. May we all guard our mind space amongst the muddle. 

The Last Day of 2024

We're right on New Year's Eve. Where did the year go?!!! A year well-lived means I am without regrets on this day, the last day of the year. Does it count for something if I haven't made anyone cried. Anyone who is displeased with me should check their own opinions and discern whether they're displeased because I didn't do what they want me to, or I truly did them wrong. 

I have learnt to distinguish between doing something in order to make someone happy and whether I truly want to. I have come to realize that when people are displeased with me, it's usually for their own selfish, entitled reasons. And I'm equally selfish because I do not want to fulfil their sense of self-entitlement and obediently play my part in their picture of things. 

I have learnt so much from the dogs. I'm very partial to this breed, and their traits align with what I seek in friends too. While I'm very logical and methodical, I sometimes lose the human touch in handling matters. I don't have a low EQ. I'm just not partial to having it guide my decisions. I'm not too bothered about being tactful. To that, I still have so much to learn about getting along with people, keeping friends, and being a friend and a half-decent human being. 

Merry Christmas

Christmas time doesn't always mean fuzzy warmth to many people. The 'most joyous season' of the year doesn't bring joy to many, even Christians. The season always brings regrets and nostalgia to many. My faith is always tested during this period. I'm not particularly religious. As it is, I don't go to Mass often. Well, I do turn up four times a year. That's about it.

Holiday blues are real to non-Christians too. There's too many social gatherings to think about. Unless one chooses not to attend. For Singapore, Christmas 2024 melts into Lunar New Year 2025 within a month of each other. For introverts, there's hardly time to breathe. In supermarkets, Christmas gold and silver decor on sale are placed right next to the new displays of Lunar New Year reds. 

Do Christmas the way you want it. Do holidays the way you want it. Guard your heart, secure your mind space, protect your solitude. If you do it to what society and your family expects or demands of you and you're exhausted, I feel sorry for you. Learn to say NO. If you don't, then you will just have to deal with it. 

Christmas to me, is a blessed season only because it's a generic time to popularly count one's blessings. I do too. It's pretty much joy, but how much of it is superficial in saying 'Merry Christmas'? I refuse to say 'Merry Christmas' if it's just that. I refuse to send a dumb gif or pic with just that line. Whatever for. That message should be accompanied by a heartfelt line, or a note. Unless we meet regularly or we're that close to know each other's tone in that very simple line of 'A very Merry Christmas to you.'

Anyway.

[14] And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we saw his glory, the glory as it were of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth. 

~ John 1:14, Douay-Rheims

Illustration by artist Izumi Kamoshida / 鴨志田和泉.

Reminders of Mortality

I turned up at the old folks' homes and the hospice as usual this week. I'm still not fatigued from volunteering with the team and doing what I do best. I've always preferred to devote charity efforts to old folks in need and those on palliative care. It has been three decades and I'll do it for as long as I can. It isn't emotionally taxing for me, and I've long learnt to draw boundaries.

Hitting 50 years old soon meant that I'm seeing my friends succumbing to illnesses. Over the past few months, attending a few funerals and learning news of friends being diagnosed with cancer and such is sobering. It keeps in full view, our own mortality and vulnerabilities.  

Their choices of treatment, or not, is fully dependent on their illnesses's prognosis, current life's circumstances, as well as discussions with their family. Some people are great patients and some aren't. Some people choose to deal with their diagnosis calmly and matter-of-factly. Many place their trust and lives in their respective religious faiths. Some got berserk and totally emotional. Nothing is wrong or bad. It's your choice of reaction. Your entire outlook and philosophy about life might likely change as a result of your own diagnosis. 

Everything about how you choose to view being stricken with cancer or other autoimmune diseases, cholesterol, heart and kidney issues, is entirely on yourself. You decide whether you choose happiness or optimism, or choose to spiral, and remain at rock bottom, or push the blame on something else. Asking 'why me' doesn't help. None of us are so special. If we have the privilege of health, then please use that to serve your community. 

I can't judge you or tell you what to choose. I'm the worst at that. If I'm a close enough friend and you choose to ask, I can only tell you a logical course of action. Otherwise, I treat you as per how I always do, but I will support extra and spur you on in terms of dietary choices or whether you feel like going out. However, no one person can be a sole caregiver and not get burnt out. Aside from your medical team, you will need to roster a team of friends and contacts to look after your daily and emotional needs. I tend to treat you exactly how I treat my old folks (we're all getting there) — with civility and respect for your choices, whether you're throwing a tantrum or not. I'm excellent at ignoring you and taking you at your words. BUT being sick doesn't give you the right to be cruel or mean, or play manipulative games.

Over the decades, I've learnt to compartmentalize my emotions towards human illnesses and death, and tragic as they maybe, they don't hit me as hard. Or rather I have seen so much physical pain (from illnesses) and emotional angst and dead bodies that I've grown a tougher shell against it. I honestly think I can even deal with any potential illnesses for the husband and myself. We get our administrative affairs in order, and will deal with the unpredictables when they arise.

It's probably Choya falling ill that I can't bear.

Pink Dot 16: No One Left Behind

This sixteenth edition of Pink Dot is themed 'No One Left Behind', the lights formed and spelt 'Equality'. We get so few sanctioned civil society activities and activists being allowed to do what they do, that any sane mass movement at Hong Lim Park is a sight to behold.  

I kinda skipped Pink Dot this year. I had a dinner to get to, so I went early to say hello and 'clocked attendance' since I wanted the numbers to count. It was fun saying hi to all the familiar faces, and checking out the booths. Then I left to shower and change up for dinner.  

Didn't bring the dog even for this short bit. It's too hot in the afternoon, and still too muddy from the morning rains. The shows and music were loud at this mid-afternoon timing. She would hate it. So she happily stayed home and snoozed. 

This is Pride month, so the dog is dressed up in pink and Pride colors in a show of solidarity. Any time you're not defined as a 'normie', you run the risk of being ostracized and bullied. You're emotionally blackmailed into fitting back into that mould. That shouldn't be the case in Singapore. 

That scorecard thing on various politicians is ridiculous. What are we doing? Playground bullying? Community shaming. You should be ashamed of your insidious moves, Protect Singapore, which is the spawn of Dads for Life, Centre for Fathering, and regrettably, the Yellow Ribbon Project. 

I'm cisgender, and biologically, I identify and feel she/her. That makes me a normie. But that doesn't make me unempathetic about those who feel otherwise. I do understand. It's both a biological and scientific thing, not a religious or devilish agenda. Regardless, it doesn't mean heterosexuals get a pass in murder or being a dick. It doesn't mean heterosexuals having higher moral ground than LGBTQIA individuals. In a country's quest for progress, it's imperative that we do not leave any human behind, regardless of their sexuality, which has nothing to do with their ability to contribute towards nation-building. And it never matters to me what you identify as. What matters to me is if you're a reasonably decent human being. 

Choya at Home

Took Choya out to the beach the morning after we flew home. The Smol Girl was soooo happy. She couldn't believe that we were finally home and kept following us around all day for the week after. She's generally sticky to me, although she doesn't have separation anxiety. She just likes to be Miss Sticky-Paws to Momma. 

I had so much emotional baggage (mainly Choya) about making this trip to Tokyo with the husband. For various reasons, boarding her at a pet hotel isn't an option. With her neuroses, she can't be boarded with friends either if they have no experience with shibes or huskies. To that, I don't want to trouble the two friends who have shibes she's friendly with, and who are happy and willing to take her into their homes.

Staying at home alone with a small army of humans coming in fulfil her daily toileting, feeds and emotional needs is the best option for Choya. The professional (paid) sitters are excellent. Her walkers came in to sit with her and played too. The friends O and N are sooooo awesome in coming in to check on her as well. N took Ryo over too, and the boy was good company for Choya. The darling friends came sooo often! Gosh.

As a result, while Choya didn't have the best appetite, she didn't go on a food strike — she didn't lose weight. She didn't hurt her paws or gums or mouth by ripping the mats too violently. She also had loads of belly rubs and fabulous company. She was cheeky and still reassured and confident. Gabapentin did its part in taking the roughest edges off of her night terrors. We were super blessed with the weather. There was rain and some bits storms, but those happened mostly in the daytime when there were humans with her.   

When I vacuumed and mopped the flat the night I got back (yeah I stayed up till 4am), it wasn't that dusty or dirty. I realized that her sitters went above and beyond to even do a few quick vacuuming of the flat for me! Wow. The husband is also amazed by the level of professionalism and warmth shown by the sitters and walkers, and absolutely stunned by the depth of my friendships with O and N, and how much they love us. Smol Girl definitely did her part being the most adorbs and manja towards them!

I make it clear that I do not befriend someone so that they can help me look after my dog or extend favors to me. I do not want to 'use' friends in this way. I'd prefer to pay professionals to step into the role of dog-sitting and home-care. Friends should just come in and chill and have some fun and not have to 'work. I'm already grateful that they fit us into their busy schedules. I'm so overwhelmed by the magnitude of kindness and care shown to Choya.