Turning 47

My heart has beaten for 47 years. How long more, I wonder. An adult female's heart weighs between 230-300g. That doesn't seem like much huh, but it is the one powerhouse keeping everything running. I'm not sure what more I can do to improve heart health. I just keep everything I eat and drink in check, and in moderation. 

47. 

What weighs heavy on the heart? 

What have I achieved at 47?

Life and living to me is not about achieving social or family milestones. It's not about gaining medals or accolades or societal recognition. When getting excellent academic grades came easy to me, I started wondering what else is beyond academic achievements. I didn't walk the path the parents set for me. I didn't want to be the CEO of anything, and I knew for sure I never want to be the CEO of any business either. I don't have the smarts to be a CFO of any sort either. I like assisting. I like being an assistant. I like being No.3 or No.5 in a hierarchical structure of either a corporation or a charity. I like fading into the background. Let me do my job quietly.

The country of birth and the family born into create privileges that allow for more privileges. What I choose to do with these given privileges is how I decide what to do with my adult life. I've never had an identity crisis. I'm not given to feeling imposter syndrome or anything inadequate. Since I was a kid, I've been told that I'm an overachiever. I've always been comfortable in my own skin doing what I want to do even as 'elders' question me. This confidence that I've had since I was a kid, never diminished. I've not lost it. I do things as I deem fit, not as what society sees as appropriate. 

Yet I have zero heroic aspirations. I do not want my name in any society magazines, entrepreneurship journals, environmental activists kind of thing. I just do me. I do what I can for my community and my sphere of influence. Put me in a war zone, and my conscience and learnt behavior will be very much different. 

Who I am marry doesn't define me, but how this marriage navigates life, will affect my confidence since this is supposed to be a loved one, a confidant. I didn't know what to make of marriage. But I know what it takes to carry on with a long-term relationship. That said, I wasn't prepared to let it dictate my life. I am still cognizant that I need to be seriously independent to move on with life if separation, divorce or death happens in this relationship. 

I'm fairly pleased at how life has panned out. I am contented. I am thankful. I am still Catholic, but I am not religious. I have allowed my conscience and instincts to guide my choices and attitude towards people, situations and circumstances. I am glad that my education and beliefs allow for a morally strong conscience in this particular set of social norms. 

I love my friends for thinking of me this month. I don't need presents. Their friendships are my best gifts. An easy meal is always welcome. I don't need fancy; I love comfort food. A coffee too, works beautifully, if that means I get a precious hour with a loved one. 

I'm spacing out meals because I definitely can't do heavy foods daily, and I need to go easy on the alcohol too. Not everyone's schedule can squeeze me into this week. Hence, I decided it's prudent (for my stomach and people's calendars) to space out birthday meals to span the whole month.  

47. Hello.