32

I did succumb to one fancy meal tonight. The staff at Tatsuya put a bright smile on my face. They definitely didn't know it's my birthday. Yet somehow, the omakase selections were fabulous. The serving staff were in an especially cheerful mood.

I relished each moment today. I made a choice to spend my birthday at the office. People kept chasing me home. But I wanted to stay till the sky turned dark. We're fighting wars on all fronts and I want to be with my team. While we each have our own hurdles to jump, it's a fantastic feeling knowing that we're standing shoulder to shoulder to get over these tough months. Nothing is more assuring than to know that we're able to lean on one another in times like these. I'll miss this most when I leave.

I also made a conscious choice to defer many fancy meals. Instead I've apportioned that time to pack Chinese New Year goodie bags for the old folks on my roster. The usual stuff. I've been extra busy this year. Little elves could be sent to do the packing. But I don't feel right. That isn't the basis of my volunteer work and it should never be. I don't care about Chinese New Year and I don't celebrate it. But the old folks on my roster do. That is enough to make me join my other team to hurl sacks of rice into the jute carriers. We've completed a good number. More to do over the next few days.

32. How interesting. I've lost the weight gained in 2008 and early 2009. I've no wish to be 58kg, but not back to the 44kg at my thinnest. I've slowly changed my diet. At least on paper, the medical records show that I'm at the healthiest point of my life. The body isn't as flexible as the period when I was a gymnast, but cartwheels and backflips are quite easily done still. Good lawwd, has it been so long?! I'm reeling from the many blessings I have. It's imperative that these blessings are gainfully utilized. I've always lived my life the way I want it so that if I die tomorrow, I'll have few regrets. I totally intend to continue doing so.

This is what turning 32 means- to be less selfish. Not to my friends unfortunately. My nearest and dearest all quietly bear my flighty friendship with fortitude and magnanimity. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

I can't wait to be 33 and older. Honestly, I want to be 40 as soon as possible! There're very few women I admire. Those whom I do, I stand in awe of their elegance, graciousness, intellect, determination and wit. They're generally older and possess a certain charisma that makes me want to seek their approval, gladly defer and bow down to.

And I wonder if I can ever become someone like that.