Amidst The Tears

I cried buckets today. I controlled the wailing till I got home and sobbed some more into my bears. I probably shocked everyone who didn't think I could be so emo. Oof, I brought a bear along into a management meeting. Very strange, I know, but nobody objected to the bear's presence. I meant to use him as a proxy when the emotions choked and no words could form in my mouth.

After the announcement that decided the new direction of the department, all my instincts screamed out for me to leave immediately. I've 30+ days of leave to clear, which will fulfill all requirements of a notice period. The other option is for me to pay the organization a month's salary and not turn up after 30th June.

I'm very petulant like that. The imp you know, will simply walk out, with nary a care. But so many people were red-eyed. That drastic drop in morale was palpable. Against all instincts, I also reassured my team-mates that everything will be okay. I didn't believe what came out of my mouth. I didn't know where I found the strength to say those stuff. When I saw how sad my department is, I know I can't walk out on them just like that. What kind of example would I set? I can't deal them another blow. I re-read a post, and I'm reminded that I have to stand by each one.

The next 5 months are the busiest periods for the department and my team. Yes, while a job is just a job, I happen like mine very much. Somewhere along the way, I've fallen in love with the job and believe in certain ideals of the industry. I can't just walk away like that and let others clear up the mess. The imp you know, isn't totally irresponsible.

I'm heartbroken and utterly devastated. Sure, change is for the greater good. But hey, I don't have to like it right? I will leave. But not immediately. Let me get the team through to December.