Motherhood really changes women. Not just physically. But it alters their entire concept of life, humans and the universe. Women become the opposite of what they are when they have children. Sometimes, it's for the better; often, it's for the worse.
Quietly I sat, listening to some girlfriends chatter about pre-schools, competition, getting into primary schools and whatnots. They groused about the waiting lists to pre-eminent pre-schools and the humongous effort they must undertake to put their kids in elite schools for a proper start to education. These children are signed up for so many additional classes that I'm not even sure they know what's a hobby anymore. Like what these girlfriends and I went through as kids- piano, ballet, golf, abacus, calligraphy, speech and drama, art...the whole gamut, their children are going through the same mill with additions of trending activities like fencing, poetry-writing, pottery, etc.
The ears perked up when it was mentioned that the schools their children attend dictate the cars they buy and destinations chosen for the three-to-four-times-a-year vacations. Clearly, these girlfriends are very very focused on the next chapter of their lives. They embrace their new status and bill it as a 'major project' and approach it with the same energy and more passion than closing negotiations and securing multi-million dollar deals. They've always been competitive in school. One or two who're quiet achievers then have become outrightly aggressive in chalking up the 'medals' of motherhood and 'what my kid can do at this age'. I'm not sure how it rubs off on their children. I can only say that these precocious pre-schoolers are at the top of their classes. (Though how this is defined, is beyond my meagre understanding.) So the parents have full intention to have them stay brilliant and shiny for the rest of their lives. I'll decide on the merits of that in about 15 years.
Since when is motherhood a competition? I suppose it has always been. Worse now. When we're done with competing over grades, boyfriends and whatnots in school, material acquisitions and career achievements, home decor, financial investments; we compete in the matter of motherhood. For women who feel that they haven't made much of their lives, moulding the younglings' future offer another shot to re-work their dreams and pin their heavy hopes on their offspring.
I think this parallels the corporate rat race. Very painful.
18 comments:
This speaks to me so so much. I don't want to get there. I want her just to be happy learning. And people are telling me it's not as easy as that. But it can be, right? Thump at the keyboard, love the noise, fail the music exam - is that not ok? Is it not ok to be not cream of the crop? I don't know anymore. But for now, we are not eager to start chasing anything. Please help keep me grounded, babe!
Call me stupid, but this sounds scary and sad.
Sometimes I wonder too, if I ever become a mother, would I join in the race? Because if everyone is playing the game and you don't, where does it leave you? You might not even be able to enrol your kid in a school nearby if you don't register (3 years) early. It is crazy and painful.
I suppose men and women are just competitive in different ways. Women seem to be more competitive in terms of their children (and clothes). Men may tend to compare their salaries or their cars. Notice how women rarely dress as well as when they are meeting other women - men really don't notice or care all that much.
I don't think it has anything to do with whether a woman is successful in her career or not either. Women sometimes feel like they have to be successful in every aspect of their lives.
I think if everyone stops aiming for perfection we'll all be a lot happier. Sometimes the house might be a bit dirtier, or you might have pizza for dinner instead of cooking a three course meal, or you might not get that raise, or the kid might have milk all over their clothes. Relax. At the end of the day, it's not going to kill anyone.
yuling: you don't have to deal with this till 3 more years. i certainly hope you can find your balance for your girl and not feel too pressurized in the meantime.
kikare: your children stick with 30+ other kids in the same class or a year or two. the parents' pressure come from their children when they're asked why the classmates get to go to Disneyland and they don't. That's painful for the parents coz the children's innocent questions aren't that innocent for the adults.
wildgoose: enrolment is the least of your problems. it's the sustaining and trying to inculcate the right values in your children that will be difficult. how do you answer them when your children ask why their classmates get to go to Disneyland in Anaheim and they only get Hong Kong?
dawn: unfortunately, i've this thing against raising children in singapore. if we choose to do so, we're part of that race, whether we like it or not. we can do all that and if our children turn out badly, we'll be so guilt-stricken. can every mother settle for the fact that her children are mediocre?
Impy - I guess the question is : what do we consider mediocre? And there's always the option of moving away (or home schooling).
tell me about it!!! i was in sg for a mere 1.5 weeks and i've got so many pple telling me to get my child ready for P1 and all the things i've to do to ensure a place for him NOW! he's only 3 btw. i was given all the websites etc to educate me abt all these and after 2 days of reading those websites & forums, i feel stressful and wonder what is the meaning of life for me if for the rest of my son's studying life, the sole purpose of my life has to be focused on his tests, enrichment, cca, exams, results, tuition etc etc... and then i was told i should get a property near a coveted school, be a parent volunteer etc etc to secure my child's placement in the school. both of these i'm not interested, but after some thinking, the GUILT caught me that other parents are willing to do these so-called sacrifices for their children while i wasn't willing to move or do PV when i could easily do so if i wanted to. this guilt makes me unhappy. and he's only 3 now! it's v frustrating. i've decided to stop thinking about it now (and certainly not gonna start doing something NOW) and see what happens when the time comes. i don't believe my son's future is heavily dependent on which pri school he goes to, but the guilt is hard to ignore when other parents are doing so much and i'm not. so, if the guilt is still strong when the time comes, i guess i may just do what others are doing. sigh.... fml.
D
I know it takes a lot of courage, but somebody's gotta make the move to not play by those rules. Like when a child asks why the family is not going to Disneyland, a parent should be able to say that because there are other and better ways to have fun.
I have friends back in HK who are parents, who also face similar amount of pressure regarding schooling etc. I'm glad to see that my friends haven't become the crazily stressed type. They don't move to a certain district so that the kid can enroll into a "good" school. They just get the kids into a kindergarten/ a primary that is in the vicinity of their homes. Out of curiosity I asked why they're not behaving like those crazy parents depicted by the media, they just shrugged and said, "why bother".
That is the reason why I never join any parenting groups or even go so close as hanging out with moms from my kids' school, or moms with children my kids' ages! I'd rather hang out with moms who have much older kids, cos' then I'll learn a thing or two from them. I'm very individualistic as a parent.. or rather, quite ignorant as to what's going on out there with other moms. Even if my kid were to come home from school telling me her classmate went here and there, has this and that for her birthday present, I'd go, "So?" I feel no pressure at all, babe! haha!
I just want my life to be as stress-free as it possible could be (not entirely possible in reality, I know). That's not too much to ask, is it?
chanced upon your blog recently. I love this enty of yours. Me and hubby have decided even before marriage that we would want to remain child-free. What you depicted in this entry is exactly one of the reasons for so doing.
dawn: home schooling in sgp is an uphill and mammoth battle with MOE. i'm daunted by merely looking at the process to go through. if i have a kid, you're going to pity my kid. my definition of mediocre will traumatize the kid so much that it'll ask to be pegged below average. i'll be the first to admit- i'm BLOODY competitive. so i should just stay out of the rat race. And if this kid wants to be a guitarist, it better make sure it's a damn good one. moving away might help. but i don't want to move away to have a kid. don't care about it enough to do so.
D: see. the guilt. it works its charm on many. and it triggers alarm bells because all parents will wonder how the kid's going to support himself when they pass on. that's always the fear.
kikare; it's very bad here. one can't just ignore. the system has made it such that it's very difficult to ignore the rules at our own peril.
jomel: that's a very good stance! i'm so glad you don't live in sgp anymore. otherwise that's going to be so difficult.
Au: Thanks for coming by. We'll all have our own reasons to do so. Importantly, we must be able to live with it because of the niggly bit about the biological clock.
It is very bad here in Sg! I didn't realise how bad it was until I got pregnant. I was just at the playground this evening where 3 mothers were discussing P1 registration, volunteering in schools and getting text messages on updates about balloting (or something like that). One of them asked me for the 3rd time what school I plan to send Bubbles. (I don't know!)
I can't say I have any answers (moving away seems to be the only one for now but that's not feasible for us) but I hope to continually be grounded and not get too caught up. One mode of thinking that has helped me so far is to focus on my daughter's own inclinations - preferences and gifts and just allow her to grow from there. Will be easier said than done esp once she starts school though. *shudder* Thankfully my husband is the type who can't care less about these pressures!
Okay Impy - no kid for you :)
corsage: oh please retain the calmness and poise amidst the madness! so glad your husband is also cool enough to stand firm. here's to grace and faith.
dawn: i know. you must have been convinced by the use of 'it'. *cackles*
hah, just noticed 'it'. had a hilarious chuckle over it.
Sadly, I didn't notice till you pointed it out (no pun intended).
Now where's that New York Magazine article I was reading....here we go...
tuti: heh.
dawn: dun bruuuufff.
cavalock: there we go indeed.
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