Monday, January 24, 2011

Where's My Inner Peace?

I wrote many farewell notes over the weekend. It was a painful exercise. The memories, oh the memories. These colleagues are not just distant humans anymore. My resolve crumbled and I went out to buy some trinkets and snacks. You know I'm not great at wrapping gifts and have taken to putting things into pretty paper bags and call it a day. But I decided to wrap these tiny gifts piece by piece. This morning, I lugged heavy bags of presents to the office.

It was a very busy day. But at some point, I found time to clear out my desk. There're lots of things which don't belong to me. But plenty more precious assets that I'm taking away. In the evening, I hauled a heavy suitcase home, filled with some personal knick knacks and paintings I had accumulated over the years. Despite not wanting the cubicle to overflow with personalization, there's still some sort of 'decor' that has been unknowingly done.

The bags and suitcase were both bulky and heavy, straining the arms just a little. Lots of people offered help with them. But I gently declined. It's a burden I must bear alone, literally and metaphorically. The physical load is of no consequence. My heart is heavier. It's filled with a tangible weight that's causing me to toss and turn in the nights. I'm a little sad this week, for all that I'm leaving behind; filled with some measure of regret at what I've chosen to give up, and alot of dread at what's to come.

17 comments:

The Pleasure Monger said...

I hope you'll find your inner peace again, wherever you're headed to! I'm heading towards a new life soon too, so I completely understand that heavy heart of yours! Chin up! =)

tuti said...

you'll be fine, imp.
i know it!
you will sail to another horizon and do what you do best; giving your all in what you believe. you never settle for second best.
i am so proud of you, you know!

Dawn said...

Take care Imp. Though it's sad to leave, I know you're going to enjoy your next adventure!

kikare said...

Because you are a living organism capable of emotions. It'll pass and you'll be fine. And when you're over the sadness you'll be left with lots of warm memories.

Try to take a good break between this and your next chapter la :)

wildgoose said...

Change always causes stress. But I'm sure you'll get through fine, strong as you are.

ame said...

why so emo...?! heh.

h o b o m o b o said...

It's always sad leaving colleagues you have grown to like and are a huge part of your daily life (since we work at least 1/3 of a day).

But think again about what drove you to this choice - you couldn't see yourself ploughing on, could you? The easy way out is to whine and continue doing what you are, but you took the courageous step out. I'm sure you will find something more worth your time. :)

*hugs*

imp said...

the pleasure monger: let's walk on bravely together. to good things!

tuti: thanks for the vote of confidence. sure as hell need it.

dawn: ARRRRRGH. You know I'm like, scared shitless.

kikare: i've damn cleverLY fixed up so many trips till there doesn't seem to be time to do nothing. bah. will keep my chin up and soak in the sights.

wildgoose: indeed, indeed.

ame: i AM emo wat. SOMETIMES. And sigh, it doesn't look like I'll be getting much of a break.

hobomobo: I hope so! love your words. thanks!

sinlady said...

so sad to feel heartstrings being tugged. so sad to leave colleagues who mean so much. but, it is a process onto the next thing, girl.

imp said...

sinlady: yes. *sadface

j0annesim said...

Embrace the next phase of your life imp :) Change is never easy so embark on your new journey with courage and joy.

Looking forward to hearing/ reading your new adventures through your blog-posts.

imp said...

joanne: i'll find the courage and perhaps a bit of joy. :) thanks!

celcilia_tjioe said...

Looking forward to hearing more from you, imp. Good luck and take care!

imp said...

celcilia: i will be writing. thanks for coming by!

michelle said...

i'm going through the same emotions today. painful to see the tears welled up in the eyes of those who work closest to me.

i think i'll adopt the same strategy... i'll go out and buy gifts in the next 2 weeks.

JoMel said...

all that needs to be said, has been said. I'll just silently root for you babe! :)

imp said...

michelle: you've made your decision too? hugs lots to you.

jomel: thanks jo! i really need that!