How Would A Marriage End?

The Atlantic carried an except from relationship coach and blogger Matthew Fray's new book- 'This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships' (March 2022). The magazine adapted it and titled it 'The Marriage Lesson That I Learned Too Late', published on April 11, 2022.

The author (then a digital marketing strategist) literally went viral in 2016 for a facebook post — that famous one — 'She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink'. I remember vaguely reading the title, laughed and said, 'Who does that? The dishes are but a catalyst.' Indeed it is so. The author is absolutely right. His wife didn't marry him to have to mother or baby him. If and when kids come along in a relationship, most women expect their partners to pull equal weight nowadays. 

The adaptation in the magazine is essentially a longer blog post from that famous viral post, only better crafted and more thoughtfully laid out. It still gets the message across though, that he finally realized what ended his marriage, and everything that led up to that decision and eventuality.

Every couple has their own unique version of The Same Fight. It could be any number of things. Throwing laundry on the floor. Tracking mud through the house right after your partner cleaned up. It doesn’t matter what the actual thing is. For us, it was dishes by the sink.

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I think sometimes these little things blow up into The Same Fight because maybe we don’t think it’s fair that our partner’s preferences should always win out over ours. It’s as if we want to fight for our right to leave that glass there.

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I wanted my wife to agree that when you put life in perspective, a drinking glass by the sink is simply not a big problem that should cause a fight. I thought she should recognize how petty and meaningless it was in the grand scheme of life. I repeated that train of thought for the better part of 12 years, waiting for her to finally agree with me.

I would read these stories or opinions (the genre) as an article, as a blog post or as a personal essay. I scan them and move on. I wouldn't normally don't bother with topics like this if they're a book. But I was curious. Hahaha. I wouldn't need to read this as a printed copy. So I listened to the 9.5-hour audiobook (speeding up audiobooks by 1.25x is optimal for me) on Storytel during over a few days when I had chores to do and I could portion some brain space to listen to the book, which wouldn't take up that much processing power. 

Matthew Fray's 'This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships' (March 2022), narrated by Rob Shapiro, is simply a collated volume of all his blog posts. Hmmmm. I actually trawled through them to ascertain a few facts in order to form my opinions.  

Imho, there's a huge issue published books by people who aren't trained writers, and people who write based on a fluke viral social media post. They might write well, but it's extremely subjective. They write from a personal view, and with an objective to 'increase eyeballs'. 

Chapter 10 'What Matters vs What Doesn't' is a whopping 8 hours. In this chapter that sells the atuhor's 'expertise' as a relationship coach, he throws around 'trust' loads, and relationship compatibility and expectations. Riiiight. There's a part I don't disagree with, that people who seem compatible by social definitions could have a colossal failure of a marriage. "A competitive pit-master BBQ guy can have compatibility with a beautiful vegetarian spouse." Partners need to feel respected and connected. 

The author provided a "quick five-step strategy for marriage success":

Step 1 Know thyself

Step 2 Make a wise and disciplined partner selection

Step 3 If you want it to be for life, marry them

Step 4 Love them for who they are, not for what they do for you.

Step 5 Repeat Step 4, every day, forever.

We're still on Chapter 10. So the author uses the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI) tests on his clients. He greatly encourages clients personality tests themselves, and take it again as their romantic partner would. He is an ENFP. Okay, whatever. He insisted that relationships do fall through the gaps between what the personality tests entail. WIN LOR. 

I'm no psychotherapist or psychologist or even a trained counselor. I certainly can't comment on his approach. If people want to pay him for this book and advice, by all means, do so. I don't know what type of training he underwent as a 'relationship coach'. He's certainly no trained marriage therapist. He's like your male buddy, your neighbor, your friend — someone you might approach for a few words of 'advice' over a beer on a normal day. An earnest locker room conversation. To officially pay him $175 a session for his 'advice'.... OKAY. WOW. I suppose people would pay him if they don't want to be labelled as officially going to a relationship therapist.

Okay. If I haven't been clear enough, let me state it for the record. I UTTERLY DISLIKE THIS BOOK. I won't discount the author's emotions. You do you. This is a book that caters largely to a stereotypical male audience, maybe slightly chauvinistic, someone who believes he's right all the time. He's assuming that women are generally more emotional, a tad more irrational and are incapable of understanding logic, and in spite of all that, men have to be understanding towards their chosen partners. But yeah, you do what you can to get through a divorce, to work through the different stages of anger, grief and all these emotions; to let go, to move on, to feel human again. 😐