Happy 13th, My Love

That day I saw three dead bodies. Saw two before they were prepped for cremation, and one at the wake. All in all, I attended three wakes in a day. I was glad that they passed with minimal pain (hopefully) and suddenly. Well, as sudden as any deaths are, with not too much tragic circumstances surrounding it. Two had a very short wake since they had no known or contactable living relatives, and the third was a well-loved father survived by his wife and adult daughters.

It didn't feel that heavy, emotionally. It is what I specialize in for my volunteer work. It didn't turn out that way. I just wanted to volunteer with charity work for old folks. Over the years, I found where I'm most needed. After a while, I'm not even sure I want to call it 'charity work'. It's unpaid work for sure, but it isn't exactly charity. It's just what I do, and that's that. Not many people can deal with illnesses, palliative care and death. I can. Death is the end of the life cycle, and likely the season of our aging parents and elderly relatives now.     

After I settled paperwork for two of my deceased old folks, I had to attend one more wake in the night. But first, I needed to eat. It was our wedding anniversary, and we had fixed a casual dinner at Kamoshita. I was looking forward to a hot cup of dashi, a bowl of rice, a few glasses of sake and a highball. I got all that, and a plate of ultra delicious stir-fried beef tongue. 

Dates are as important as the value we place on them. If we're lucky, there're many wedding anniversary dates to mark. If so, should we adhere to what advertising gurus suggest as celebratory options? Or we do it as we will. Well, we do us. True to who and what the husband is, he had no issues with work and for us to see dead people on our wedding anniversary. I know. 

Make no mistake, marriage is work. You can mind-map all you want while resolving conflicts, but if there isn't sufficient trust and an enormous love for your partner, this relationship is not going to work. At the end of the day, it's still about whether you love your spouse and if you're in love with her/him enough to make this a lifetime commitment. 

You could take a leaf from any marriage counseling guides out there. It could be religious or secular; it doesn't matter, as long as it is coherent and solid. If you can't even get understand that 'routines and set routines = boredom = stability', and long for something different, then perhaps a long-term relationship classically defined by society isn't for you.  Excitement and an adrenaline rush in a relationship brought about by external environmental factors are wrought by the couple themselves. Career switches, relocating to another city, new hobbies, children or not, pets or otherwise, uhhhh swinging, et cetera. You must want to do these together. 

The husband and I. We are 13 years married now.  

Marriage for us feels like this pot of tai-meshi 鯛めし (sea bream rice) cooked in a claypot/donabe, not the electric cooker. We've got to practice till our rice turns out perfectly cooked on the stove to the magic ratio of 1:1.15, depending on what type of grains are selected. 

We've established our roles in this marriage, and pretty much could navigate conflict resolution with ease. The trust in this commitment allows us to grow as individuals. Without this independence and freedom, we won't be able to grow the marriage either. 

I read somewhere that there're a few stages of marriage. There's this 'power struggle stage' within the first few years before getting to the penultimate 'co-creation stage'. Even so, marriages end for random reasons. People can simply fall out of love, or decide that 'I'm done with us' and move ahead with life alone or with a new partner, regrets notwithstanding. I try not to judge people's choices. Who knows if I will do the same. If my husband chooses to do so, I hope he makes an ethical choice that wouldn't hurt me too much. My self-esteem might take a beating, but I’ll live. I love myself and I know what I’m worth. We only have this one life. We should live it as we will.   

Power Struggle : As the honeymoon stage ends, the power struggle stage begins. Your life as a couple gets hard in this stage. The monotony of marriage becomes felt. It’s when you or your spouse’s dreams aren’t turning out as expected.

Stability Stage : In this stage, you accept your partner as a unique individual. Rather than wishing for your partner to change, by now you’ve learned to respect your partner. You’ve figured out how to resolve differences and you each have established roles. This stage brings peace and stability, but with that comes routine and set roles. This can be boring for some. Growth requires risk and ongoing learning. Being too comfortable in the routine of this stage means your marriage does not grow.

Co-creation : In this stage, you and your partner consciously use your partnership to benefit people (or something) beyond your marriage. This typically involves engaging in a joint creative project.

A marriage is a partnership. Of equals, hopefully. It's similar to how you manage work projects isn't it? At least for me, it is. It has to be coherent and logical more than emotional. I don't like drama and I don't like games. I don't know much about 'co-creation'. If we didn't have many shared passions while dating, I don't see a need for us to share hobbies or projects while married. That's not what I want and that's not what he wants. For us, we can't be happier to be child-free. It's a conscious decision, and 13 years on in our marriage and maybe in the 18 years we've known each other, I can say that it's the best decision ever, for us. I'm totally not interested in having babies and raising children. There's no such thing as 'let's get married and think about kids later' — it's not for me because I never wanted children and I needed my dates and long-term partner(s) to know that.

But the husband and I do think beyond our relationship, beyond familial ties. We ponder about what can we do for XXX and YYY, and what we can do to better the community that we serve. These are neither mutually exclusive nor obligatorily done together as a couple. We've always done these even before the marriage. Marriage isn't for a couple to change each other into their perfect ideals. It's supposed to help mould us into what we want to be as we age. 

When it's all said and done, the husband and I love each other for what we are, and what we are 'growing' into. We don't need to change each other to what we want each other to be or hope for each other to become. We know what we're getting when we decided to commit to each other and live together as a couple. We are exactly who we want to be at this point in time.