I literally laughed soooo loud while reading this. Ruth Chew's article on CNA published on 14 October, 2024, 'Ways for women: 5 tips on how to say no to your in-laws to maintain boundaries and harmony'. It gives you some ideas in saying no nicely. Well.
These helpful suggestions are angled for women. I wonder, do the men ever need these sort of tips? Do they not put out articles to advise the husbands? It's always us women, isn't it? When I have no children, it makes it easier since there're fewer opinions and demands imposed on me.
The article suggests that women with 'difficult' in-laws try to, Define Boundaries, Communicate Clearly But With Respect, Get Your Husband's Help and Support, Reinforce Boundaries and Find Middle Ground, and to See the Big Picture.
There are no right answers. Boundaries are different for different people. For example, some in-laws expect to see their children (and grandchildren) every day, while others feel that once a month or fortnight is fair, to cater more time for other activities. Don’t forget to share your boundaries with empathy, considering that your in-laws may not have had experience with the “younger generation” telling them no.
I won't comment much. You know where I stand on these issues, and you know I can say NO very well, till my in-laws have either come to fear me or view me with disgust, both of which I DGAF, because when I no longer respect them except as a fellow neighbor/human, their approval or opinions don't matter anymore.
Actions speak louder than words. So the best way is to act the way you’d like to be treated. Show empathy, gratitude and respect for one another. Be mindful of their needs and wants too. This may require a change in behaviour or disrupting your own patterns to initiate this “change”. For example, setting time limits on the weekend for extended family visits. When you feel the tension building, take deep breaths and redirect the conversation, or step out for a quick walk.
I choose to distance myself from the in-laws and their toxic emotions and gaslighting perspectives. I do not share the same opinions and views and feelings on many matters, especially on the treatment of helpers and foreign workers, educating children, and how to best raise them, Palestine and Israel (and now Lebanon), etc. I don't even share their liking for their preferred food and meals. But man, even just having a dog, gets stupid and ignorant comments from them till I'll never ever leave Choya with them. Tsk tsk.
It's pretty much, if I ignore you, please leave me alone. Nothing I say here on this blog is secret. I have told the in-laws to their faces, in about a thousand different ways, many times, as to what I think. I choose to avoid confrontation by keeping quiet. I don't enjoy conversations with them or their company. And the best I have done is to silently get up without responding, to leave the table or to leave the entire dinner altogether. I won't shove my opinions down your throat. But when I'm pushed into a corner, and being gas-lit, I'll tell you what I really think.
All adults require time to adjust, including the elderly. It pays to have patience in seeing the big picture, which is the well-being of those in your family unit.
Some battles cannot be won, so don’t sweat the small stuff. Being assertive is important to communicate your boundaries, but you don’t need to win every argument. Consider if this will matter in five or even 10 years. If it doesn’t, let it go.
Learning to say no and setting healthy boundaries is not about keeping your in-laws out – it’s about letting others safely into your life. Steering your relationship with your in-laws can be confronting, especially in our Asian context.
Remember, the goal is to create a balanced environment where everyone’s needs are met and respected, allowing you to lead a more peaceful life with a supportive family dynamic.
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