This Journey Has Ended

The further I travel along in this journey, the greater I've come to resent it. It's been three years. It's not so much the work portion; that's fine. Unfortunately I pursued this field with the aggressiveness of completing another MA or a MSc, but at a slower pace methinks. It could be a matter of too fast, too much. But I doubt it. It's the people in the industry, the humans in the community, the insularity, casual racism and sexism (prevalent everywhere really), unwanted comments on spirituality and religion, etc, all of which ultimately got to me. It's not something I can ignore when I'm seeking knowledge and have to suffer bigoted opinions to sift out the specific portions that are acceptable or quantifiable.

I stopped drinking tea two months ago because sipping a cup of tea induces this wave of dread, resentment and distaste. A cup of tea no longer represents an oasis or a gateway to calm. It stirs hate, peevishness and rejection- negative feelings that I'm in a hurry to dispel. The last happy memory of brewing a pot of tea was in Norway, when it was just the girlfriend and I, in the lingering twilight of a summer evening. At that moment, I knew, the only way to overcome the negativity is to retreat into comforting solitude. So I waited to fulfill the work year. Now, it's time to quietly seek a path away from all these annoying schools of thought and humans. Perhaps one day, I'll pick up a teapot to brew a cup of tea again.

It has come full circle. It's symbolic that the first teapot intentionally smashed is also the first teapot I bought. It was absolutely cathartic swinging the pot against the wall. It was a satisfying thud. Then followed through by crushing it slowly. I felt it give way under the pressure of the fist; felt it crumble into itty bitty pieces. I brushed my fingers gently across the sad broken teapot. Once upon a time, it meant so much to me. Now, it's just dust. Instead of mourning the demise of a passion, I felt relief. Lightness flooded my heart.

and the dust return to the earth as it was, and the spirit return unto God who gave it.