The moment Thanksgiving is over, I sink into a funk. I don't have an issue with people celebrating the season and whatever happy things they do. My dread and sian-ness of and with this season stem from feeling the pressure to meet family obligations to turn up at gatherings. I generally dislike Christmas and Lunar New Year. I dislike the festive season even more so when I'm made to attend gatherings that I resent. Going out doesn't make me feel better. Staying in does.
This isn't depression. This is me being a Christmas grinch. I never enjoyed this season even as a kid, except when I spent it with my Aunts in the UK, and the few times I hobbled over to Aspen and Vancouver. I'm happy to be with people whom I want to see. I'm not pleased at being coerced into attending lunches with bigots and making idiotic small talk with people I don't exactly care about.
I'm thankful that friends get it. It's the older generation who doesn't understand introverts. They would just gaslight me and say, 'Oh i'm an introvert too. I don't like social events.' THAT IS NOT BEING AN INTROVERT. You have no fucking idea what being an introvert actually means. I'm not into hosting people at home or at restaurants, and definitely not into potluck in that sense. It's extremely pressurizing to even consider having people over at home.
To be very clear, it is only the in-laws that's causing me this tremendous amount of stress. To that, I've been incredibly rude to them for the past few years because I simply have no more fucks to give. I refuse to do things that they want me to do. I don't understand why it's so important to 'seem nice' to other people at the expense of MY head space. FUCK THAT. And I say it out loud. I don't have the same issue with my own family because they have had 25 years to finally know what I am, and have learnt to leave me be. THANK GOD.
In the recent years, the holiday blues got a bit better since I'm a Miss No-No. I've become very adept at saying NO flat out to things that I don't want to attend and don't want to do. No amount of cajoling or emotional blackmail the in-laws do can convince me otherwise. When people try to manipulate me into doing what they want because it makes them happy, I get into this belligerent mode and stand my ground. This has made it so much better for managing this heaviness in the heart that weighs down more each day as we get closer to December 25, and again when Lunar New Year comes around.
If you're unhappy that I decline to attend these gatherings, that's on YOU, not on me. Respect my NO and be done with me.
I'm not even enthusiastic about attending all gatherings hosted by friends. I'm just thankful that as years go by, these whittle down. Those whom I want to spend time with, already know it — I see them through the year, and I try to be present for them as much as I can because I CARE.
1 comment:
Perhaps it's the cold weather you need this time of the year, hey!
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